I’ve figured it out.

Life. Love. Joy. Happiness. I’ve figured the secret out. To all of it. Each and every single problem in life can be solved by following one simple rule. It’s the theme of many different songs. And I finally understand it. I think that the quality of my life is going to improve greatly.

Only a fifty-eight word post…

Well not any more. I’m going to find some sort of conversational material if it kills you.
See what I did there?
Okay, I’ve got it. Today, I come home, and I’m not doing anything. I walk around the house, patrolling my domain, making sure all is well. All is indeed well, and as I finish my rounds downstairs, I return upstairs, and happen to glance out my window. Outside, there is not much of importance. The snow is melting, the backyard looks like a muddy disaster, and… wait, what is that? Over in the corner of the yard?
My dogs. Humping. Well, one humping the other, I guess. The only problems? They’re both fixed. No reproductive organs whatsoever. “Now, just a minute,” I hear the biologically erudite of you say. “Fixed animals still occasionally have the urge to have sex. It’s just part of their instinct.” I do not debate this. However, something more made this situation wrong… they are both female. Yes. The larger female dog was humping away at the rear end of the smaller one. I stared out the window, utterly transfixed by this anomaly, so much so that I dropped the glass of water in my hand. (Not really a glass, one of the cheap plastic dealies that looks like glass but is plastic. So no harm done other than a wet rug. [Giggity.]) My response was appropriate, I thought.

“What the f**k???”

My brother, intrigued by my sudden and genuinely confused outburst, walked from the living room to the kitchen, where I was.

“What the what?” He asked, walking over to me. He traced my line of sight, and beheld the spectacle unfolding in our yard. His response was equally appropriate.

“What the f**k???”

After a few moments of standing there in utter confusion, I eventually surmised that I had four options- I could laugh; I could walk away as though nothing had happened, forcing the event out of my mind; I could proceed to have a discussion with my brother and see if he knew what the hell was going on; or I could take out my cell phone, take pictures, and sell them on the Internet.

I decided on option two. I picked up my glass, cleaned up the water, and walked downstairs. My brother seemed inclined to take the same path of “I did not just see that”, and he returned to the living room to work on his homework.

A few hours later, my mom calls from work, saying she’s on her way home. I decided to relay what had happened, and she explained to me that it was merely a display of dominance. That dogs do that, and oddly enough, there is nothing amorous about it at all. I remarked that it was odd, and she said: (I’m paraphrasing)

“Well, what better way to show dominance over your friend than by ass-raping him?”

Or something to that effect. Either way, I laughed for a good five minutes. Literally. That was the last thing I would have expected her to say. So there you have it, another interesting day.

And don’t any of you dare to question my dominance over you.

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3 Responses to “I’ve figured it out.”

  1. That is quite a funny story Chris.
    Just think, if our society adopted those funny anomalies that are so apparent in nature…. What a funny world it would be!!
    And another point for you to think of….
    What you observed from those two dogs…. That is indicative of government control!! Uncle Sam has been “leg-humping” us for years!!

  2. ^ZOMG. Another commenter?

  3. Christopher Balcer Says:

    My father, Spencer.

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