Stupid movies.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Just saw Gamer. The one with King Leonidas being controlled by some chav who eats pistachio-butter and grape jelly sandwiches. I don’t know, that’s about all I came away with. It was just one of the more stupid things I’ve ever seen, though. Although, the “Social” life, or whatever the thing was, the other reality where people were controlled by other people in order to have fun or whatever, that was one of the creepiest things I’ve ever seen. The 400 pound guy half naked in his basement, playing as a 21 year old girl… I don’t think I’m going to sleep tonight. Or for a good long time. Just… if you’ve seen it, you’d agree with me that it was the freaking creepiest thing ever. Seeing all the people’s guts blown out everywhere in the Slayer part, seeing all the blood and dismemberment, that was nothing compared to this fucking half-naked sweaty fat guy sitting in a power scooter eating god knows what sludge and pretending to be a girl in some virtual reality. UUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH. Although, it is a somewhat accurate depiction of Internet life. I mean, you never, EVER know who somebody is. That’s why there’s several rules I’ve created to see myself safely through the realm of Internet. There’s a similar list somewhere, but I’ve added my own personal numbers as well.

1. Pics or it didn’t happen.
2. If it exists, there is porn of it. (Also known as “Rule 34”.)
3. Don’t ragequit, griefquit.
4. If it sounds stupid, post it. If it gets more positive/good/thumbs up than negative/bad/thumbs down, then it wasn’t stupid.
5. If you’re losing the argument, delete your post.
6. There is such a thing as “too good to be true”. In fact, if it sounds good, then it’s probably a lie.
7. The Internet will not tell you that you need a virus scan. At least, not truthfully.
8. If it’s got pictures of half-naked women chained to trees or all sweaty or a combination of the two, it’s either malware, spam, or a lie.
9. When in doubt, Wikipedia. If in further doubt, Google. If all is lost, ask Mr. 8 Ball.
10. Demotivational posters are always funny.
11. Demotivational posters are often inappropriate.
12. NSFW means NSFW. Not “Oh, it’s probably just some pussy overreacting about something light…” IT’S N-S-F-fucking-W.
13. Paranoia keeps you safe.
14. When in doubt, your address is “8 Maple Street, Schenectady, New York 12345”.
15. F5 is your friend.
16. Shoot first, ask questions while doing so.
17. White knights are hated just as much as chauvinists.
18. There is no such thing as a normal furry.
18-A. If in need of a punching bag, use furries. Easy targets, plenty of them, and no moral whiplash. More or less everybody hates them.
19. Safesearch, Safesearch, Safesearch.
20. Make sure that’s your buddy’s address in the “To:” bar, there, and not Granny.
21. More cowbell.
21-A. When the furries have been beaten up enough, go for obscure pop-culture references and jokes about 80-s things. Usually works.
22. You are not the millionth visitor, you have not been randomly selected, and no, you do not want to play S.W.A.T. Assault.
23. If there’s a “member’s” version, then the free version sucks.
24. There is no such thing as free. That would violate one of the fundamental rules of Internet Physics: “Good things cannot be created or destroyed. Good things must be spent or used in order to obtain good things.”
25. There are no such things as “girls on the Internet”. (Now, for all you nice young women getting all hormonal about that, let me just say this- the actual amount of females on the Internet that are actually female is far surpassed by the amount of females that are 500 pound sweaty fat guys pretending to be girls. So for all intents and purposes, girls do not inhabit Internet.

So there you have it. 25 quick rules to keep you relatively safe. Print them out! Put them by your computer. Leave room at the bottom to add your own. Remove some of mine that you think are unfair or illogical. But above all, fellow denizens of Internet… be wise. Be safe. Be aware.

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