Archive for February, 2010

I’ve figured it out.

Posted in Uncategorized on 02/23/2010 by Christopher Balcer

Life. Love. Joy. Happiness. I’ve figured the secret out. To all of it. Each and every single problem in life can be solved by following one simple rule. It’s the theme of many different songs. And I finally understand it. I think that the quality of my life is going to improve greatly.

Only a fifty-eight word post…

Well not any more. I’m going to find some sort of conversational material if it kills you.
See what I did there?
Okay, I’ve got it. Today, I come home, and I’m not doing anything. I walk around the house, patrolling my domain, making sure all is well. All is indeed well, and as I finish my rounds downstairs, I return upstairs, and happen to glance out my window. Outside, there is not much of importance. The snow is melting, the backyard looks like a muddy disaster, and… wait, what is that? Over in the corner of the yard?
My dogs. Humping. Well, one humping the other, I guess. The only problems? They’re both fixed. No reproductive organs whatsoever. “Now, just a minute,” I hear the biologically erudite of you say. “Fixed animals still occasionally have the urge to have sex. It’s just part of their instinct.” I do not debate this. However, something more made this situation wrong… they are both female. Yes. The larger female dog was humping away at the rear end of the smaller one. I stared out the window, utterly transfixed by this anomaly, so much so that I dropped the glass of water in my hand. (Not really a glass, one of the cheap plastic dealies that looks like glass but is plastic. So no harm done other than a wet rug. [Giggity.]) My response was appropriate, I thought.

“What the f**k???”

My brother, intrigued by my sudden and genuinely confused outburst, walked from the living room to the kitchen, where I was.

“What the what?” He asked, walking over to me. He traced my line of sight, and beheld the spectacle unfolding in our yard. His response was equally appropriate.

“What the f**k???”

After a few moments of standing there in utter confusion, I eventually surmised that I had four options- I could laugh; I could walk away as though nothing had happened, forcing the event out of my mind; I could proceed to have a discussion with my brother and see if he knew what the hell was going on; or I could take out my cell phone, take pictures, and sell them on the Internet.

I decided on option two. I picked up my glass, cleaned up the water, and walked downstairs. My brother seemed inclined to take the same path of “I did not just see that”, and he returned to the living room to work on his homework.

A few hours later, my mom calls from work, saying she’s on her way home. I decided to relay what had happened, and she explained to me that it was merely a display of dominance. That dogs do that, and oddly enough, there is nothing amorous about it at all. I remarked that it was odd, and she said: (I’m paraphrasing)

“Well, what better way to show dominance over your friend than by ass-raping him?”

Or something to that effect. Either way, I laughed for a good five minutes. Literally. That was the last thing I would have expected her to say. So there you have it, another interesting day.

And don’t any of you dare to question my dominance over you.


Stupid movies.

Posted in Uncategorized on 02/20/2010 by Christopher Balcer

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Just saw Gamer. The one with King Leonidas being controlled by some chav who eats pistachio-butter and grape jelly sandwiches. I don’t know, that’s about all I came away with. It was just one of the more stupid things I’ve ever seen, though. Although, the “Social” life, or whatever the thing was, the other reality where people were controlled by other people in order to have fun or whatever, that was one of the creepiest things I’ve ever seen. The 400 pound guy half naked in his basement, playing as a 21 year old girl… I don’t think I’m going to sleep tonight. Or for a good long time. Just… if you’ve seen it, you’d agree with me that it was the freaking creepiest thing ever. Seeing all the people’s guts blown out everywhere in the Slayer part, seeing all the blood and dismemberment, that was nothing compared to this fucking half-naked sweaty fat guy sitting in a power scooter eating god knows what sludge and pretending to be a girl in some virtual reality. UUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH. Although, it is a somewhat accurate depiction of Internet life. I mean, you never, EVER know who somebody is. That’s why there’s several rules I’ve created to see myself safely through the realm of Internet. There’s a similar list somewhere, but I’ve added my own personal numbers as well.

1. Pics or it didn’t happen.
2. If it exists, there is porn of it. (Also known as “Rule 34”.)
3. Don’t ragequit, griefquit.
4. If it sounds stupid, post it. If it gets more positive/good/thumbs up than negative/bad/thumbs down, then it wasn’t stupid.
5. If you’re losing the argument, delete your post.
6. There is such a thing as “too good to be true”. In fact, if it sounds good, then it’s probably a lie.
7. The Internet will not tell you that you need a virus scan. At least, not truthfully.
8. If it’s got pictures of half-naked women chained to trees or all sweaty or a combination of the two, it’s either malware, spam, or a lie.
9. When in doubt, Wikipedia. If in further doubt, Google. If all is lost, ask Mr. 8 Ball.
10. Demotivational posters are always funny.
11. Demotivational posters are often inappropriate.
12. NSFW means NSFW. Not “Oh, it’s probably just some pussy overreacting about something light…” IT’S N-S-F-fucking-W.
13. Paranoia keeps you safe.
14. When in doubt, your address is “8 Maple Street, Schenectady, New York 12345”.
15. F5 is your friend.
16. Shoot first, ask questions while doing so.
17. White knights are hated just as much as chauvinists.
18. There is no such thing as a normal furry.
18-A. If in need of a punching bag, use furries. Easy targets, plenty of them, and no moral whiplash. More or less everybody hates them.
19. Safesearch, Safesearch, Safesearch.
20. Make sure that’s your buddy’s address in the “To:” bar, there, and not Granny.
21. More cowbell.
21-A. When the furries have been beaten up enough, go for obscure pop-culture references and jokes about 80-s things. Usually works.
22. You are not the millionth visitor, you have not been randomly selected, and no, you do not want to play S.W.A.T. Assault.
23. If there’s a “member’s” version, then the free version sucks.
24. There is no such thing as free. That would violate one of the fundamental rules of Internet Physics: “Good things cannot be created or destroyed. Good things must be spent or used in order to obtain good things.”
25. There are no such things as “girls on the Internet”. (Now, for all you nice young women getting all hormonal about that, let me just say this- the actual amount of females on the Internet that are actually female is far surpassed by the amount of females that are 500 pound sweaty fat guys pretending to be girls. So for all intents and purposes, girls do not inhabit Internet.

So there you have it. 25 quick rules to keep you relatively safe. Print them out! Put them by your computer. Leave room at the bottom to add your own. Remove some of mine that you think are unfair or illogical. But above all, fellow denizens of Internet… be wise. Be safe. Be aware.

Valentine’s Day!

Posted in Uncategorized on 02/14/2010 by Christopher Balcer

Just for you, readers.



Posted in Uncategorized on 02/13/2010 by Christopher Balcer

Well it took damn long enough, didn’t it? And now it’s finally here.

And I’m f***ing sick. I am so positively livid about that fact that I can’t see straight. This isn’t fair, vacation just started, I’m not supposed to get sick yet. I was ranting about this while playing Team Fortress 2, and my brother happened to overhear me.

Me: “(various rantings about being sick) Why does this happen at the start of every vacation?”
Andrew: “Because god hates you.”
Me: “Oh yeah.”

So with that question answered, I proceeded to pwn some noobs on TF2, eventually ragequit, and then go eat 4 microwavable waffles. So yeah. Pretty productive day, I’d say.

P.S. Anybody here play Left 4 Dead 2? Ever? Because if you have, then go to and tell me that the guy on the front page DOESN’T look like Nick.

The Carnival of Winter.

Posted in Uncategorized on 02/11/2010 by Christopher Balcer

Well, it’s winter carnival today and tomorrow. Today at 11, at least. Tomorrow all day. Which isn’t that bad, I guess. I’m only signed up for one event, chess from 8:13 to 8:55. Stick with what you’re good at, I guess.

What’s bloggable about this, though, is my sheer frustration with the sheer frustration in this school. Winter carnival is completely, totally, and utterly rigged in the seniors’ favor. And everybody knows this. Every single person in the entire school is aware of this fact, and they compete anyway. Which is fine, it’s fun.

But what ISN’T fun is the fact that every single grade seems to be borderline bloodthirsty. Or victory-thirsty with a side of blood. A victory shot with a blood chaser. Whatever, it’s annoying. I really wish everybody could just get along. Now, I know I’m not the most agreeable and peacable person, but that’s in person. See, unlike most people, I’m nice online. I’m actually a decent person. IRL, I’m a dick. So if you’re really looking to get to know me, meet me in Facebook chat, or Skype, or something. (Just don’t meet me in a multiplayer video game, because I’ll troll the hell out of you.) Either way, yeah. It’s annoying. Let’s just all get along, people.

This is kind of just rambling. Which is what we do, I suppose. Ramblers. Lol. Word play.

Been playing Mass Effect 2. Really awesome. The game actually manages to make me a bit creeped out at times, which is rare. However, it’s slightly predictable. Which is annoying. However, the game is more than filled with redeeming qualities.

Finished one of my worst made videos ever. Seriously, the videos I made in Video Production I paled in comparision to the utter suckiness of the one I just completed. However, several valuable lessons have been learned: 1. Don’t work with friends on a video. 2. Don’t let somebody else write a script for a movie you are filming and editing. 3. If you’re filming, film. If you’re just dicking around in an empty room, then do that. Don’t try to film while having a conversation, it doesn’t work. At all.

So anyway. Still single. Still lacking a life. And to be honest, I couldn’t be happier. Yeah. Peas out.

I have a new laptop.

Posted in Uncategorized on 02/08/2010 by Christopher Balcer

Yeah, I do. I mean, it’s new to me. It’s my dad’s old laptop, but it’s still pretty bitchin’. It’s a bitchin’ laptop. Can you handle the bitchness? Anyway. I can now play Team Fortress 2. If you’re looking to get pwnt, add me to your steam account. It’s kingturkey520 (Sorry Spencer.)


Posted in Uncategorized on 02/04/2010 by Christopher Balcer

Do any of you know what “ragequitting” is? Well, in video game terms, when one begins to lose the game (either online multiplayer, offline multiplayer, or on their own[edit-you just lost the game]), they become so enraged they quit the game out of sheer frustration. This is usually accompanied by cursing, yelling, arm flailing, and possible property damage.

Well, I’ve been losing at math so hard, I wanted to totally ragequit today. I was just staring at this problem- it had an X in the denominator, and I had to solve for it, and there was a fraction on the other side, and I just had NO idea where to start… I just wanted to pound my pencil into the paper yelling “F**K!!! F**K!!! F***************K!” Which is not uncommon, I hear. But I spoofed my way through it, and eventually moved on. But that deep-seated rage is right there… I feel it, the frustration of looking at that math problem… up yours, math problem. You can take your X and divide it in your mouth.